By Emilie Trepanier
Time is a funny thing.
Actually, it’s everything.
Time chooses when and how,
It chooses who and where,
But what time cannot do
Is fix everything, I fear.
Time can aid healing
Like a bandaid, Advil, or treatment.
Time can work as a circle
Or a roller coaster
Bringing back memories you thought you’d escaped,
Moving you forward to the present day.
Time reminds you of the girl you once knew
Then it snaps back and again, she’s not even you.
Time is change,
Time is growth,
Time is a way for us to organize our chaos
But time won’t do anything,
It simply won’t,
If you yourself don’t want to be helped.
I spent days and nights
Wading through dark waters
Searching for light in all the wrong places.
I took the hurts present on my skin
And made them mine, hidden.
I thought I could fight the demons alone
Like a lantern in the night fights dusty moths.
But when push comes to shove,
The girl that I knew was gone
Not even a shell of herself left.
I was becoming the moth
Looking for a light somewhere within me
Trying to save when I couldn’t even be.
I found a friend in Time.
I stopped telling Time to go backward.
I stopped saying “no wait, I’m not prepared!”
I took Time by the hand and realized,
Throughout it all, Time was my only constant.
When it wasn’t my escape
Time was the one rooting for my fate.
So yes, it takes Time.
But it also takes me.
Sometimes time is just a reminder
Like how I remember vividly the date May 18
But time is also a home
To keep out the demons,
To strike up the morning routine,
To change life and change me.
Healing doesn’t happen overnight
Nor does it happen in a specific number
Even surgeries leave some scars
Reminders of what we overcame.
I live in a state of almost healed
Because I am human,
Filled with depth and intellect.
Time helps manage my fears
Reminds me, as “they” say, that healing is not linear.
So, I am healed. But again, not quite.
I still have moments where I remember those nights.
I sometimes get angry for the girl that I knew, for those who are feeling all the pains I also went through
Time keeps moving forward and keeps me in check.
And I’ve found I’m okay with living a little partially fixed.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there is help. You can visit the Break the Silence website at www.breakthesilencedv.org or chat with one of our helpline advocates at 855-287-1777.