Written by: BTSADV Survivor
I feel like I blinked and half a lifetime has passed. I was 13 when I met my children’s father. I am now 28, and it has been three years since I left him. Three years go my ex was arrested and spent time in prison for the third time. He was released at the beginning of this year.
My ex was my first boyfriend, first love, and the father of my children. My life entirely revolved around him and his needs. My ex abused alcohol and drugs. He would only go off without anyone else around at first. Then when we got our first flat together – I was 15, and he was 18 at the time – I began noticing his attitude change.
Sometimes he would come home very late after work, bring his mates around all hours and ignore me like I was invisible. I could sometimes hear them whispering between themselves which made me very uncomfortable. When I started getting upset about it, he would turn it around on me saying things like “You don’t let me do anything or hang with my friends.”
Then when I would bring my friends around, he would either be rude, make them feel uncomfortable, or make sexual comments about them when they left to upset me. I guess he did that to make me insecure about having them around, so I stopped talking to many friends.
Then the nasty, controlling side came out. He would make me borrow money after spending all of ours so he could get drugs. If he couldn’t, he would completely start to flip and start smashing the doors in the house. But would quickly replace them and say how sorry he was, and in no time he started pushing me over and screaming in my face to get what he wanted. The police were called a couple of times due to the yelling, but I denied anything was wrong because I didn’t want to get him into trouble. It became a pattern which only grew to get worse and worse.
I can’t remember how many times I have left him and gone back even after he has had a new girlfriend. He would say it was just because he wanted to make me jealous and want him back. It worked, and I would go back each time. Then our daughter was born when I was 19.
One morning he attacked me when I was making bottles for our baby. He pushed me and ended up knocking over our one-year-old daughter, so I tried to leave with her. He took my daughter from me and made me leave without her telling me that I was in no state to take her.
I finally decided to go to the police for help. They made him hand my daughter over and placed a DV order on him. He pleaded not guilty, so I had to tell my story in front of the courtroom, my ex, and his family. I was told I was a liar by his lawyer. There was a 12-month DV order filed against him, but he was not charged for anything. I felt humiliated and ashamed.
I stayed away from him for ten months; that was the longest I had done. He had a new girlfriend, but I ignored that. Then he started stalking me, driving past the flat, and prank calling me saying he wants to see our daughter. Just like that, he would get me every time.
then I fell pregnant with our son at the age 21. He was so happy to have a son, but the abuse got worse. He would threaten to kill me if he ever went to jail. I have now had around 6 – maybe more – DV orders placed on him from the police being called by the neighbors. I have been in and out of court almost every year up till three years ago covering up what the police accused him of doing in fear he would get in trouble and come hurt me.
One night that I will never forget was when I had to flee my house after he doused both my house and me in petrol while he threatened he was going to kill us both. I managed to escape to my car and drove to my mothers completely terrified. I was worried about him hurting himself. My Mum rang the fire barrages and the police. Of course, I denied anything happened at court. But little did I know, my mum kept my clothes from that night, and they were used as evidence along with a voice recording of my mum calling the police. It was so chilling and devastating to hear the fear in my mum’s voice, and here I am saying she’s lied about it all. It broke both our hearts that day, but the judge gave him his first three months.
I thought jail would straighten him up, but he only came out worse. He has been to jail more times since then; three years is the longest he’s been in for. He had stolen my car, hit another vehicle, and ran from the police. Not to mention everything else he did that day, he rang me from lockup asking me to bring him things.
I finally had enough I was no longer going to be his Physical and emotional and doormat. I was not going to be cheated on while having my car taken from me so he could cheat. I was no longer going to be hit, kicked, bitten, or strangled. Never again was I going to have my hair pulled, get punched, or have things thrown at me. I was never going to beg for my life or sit in a courtroom again. He threatened me to his mates while in jail. I lived in fear every day until his release. My depression and anxiety skyrocketed after his release.
he now has a new girlfriend and hasn’t tried to bother me yet, but I fear he’s still not done with me. I’m still in a place of healing, fear, and hurt, but I don’t feel the pain in my tummy or cry as much as I did. I pray my daughter never goes through anything like this. I lost my friends, my family, my car, my home, and myself loving him, but I am alive, and I’m surviving. I survived something I thought might kill me, and I have it all back plus more. All I can do is go day by day and keep on surviving. I broke free, and I am breaking the silence against domestic abuse.
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